Human Resources – How to Annoy HR Managers – top tips on annoying HR managers and other responsible for human resources management from Mark Walsh of Integration Training. Thanks to my clients, Twitter followers and fellow CIPD members who contributed with this.
Got a problem at work? Bring it to HR whether they can solve it or not, this is your first stop for a good gripe, whinge and moan. They’re “the people people” they can take it. Ignore any advice they give. Equally never make responsible complaints at a time when HR can help but wait until taking legal action. HR managers are magicians with powers over the law, other employees, insurance agencies and CEOs — so always complain to get the magic on your side!
Know Tabloid Law and Work The System
Get your knowledge of employment law from papers, the internet and TV and quote this to make your trip to a massage parlour in Amsterdam an acceptable expense and your unofficial duvet days seem entirely reasonable. Work the system as much as possible using every PC technique in the book, know your “rights” and always say “my friend is a lawyer”.
Apply for a Job Like This…
First don’t read the instructions in the advertisement, then apply in text speak/ bad spelling/ capitals with no covering letter when you clearly do not meet the essential criteria (which you haven’t read). NB: Agencies can be used to help with this, if you work for one HR like to be called daily. As a candidate, turn up late for the interview and know nothing about the organisation. If a manager recruit your mates, old school friends and relatives not those who can do the job.
Use Management Jargon (or refuse to understand their’s)
“delayering, rightsizing, leverage, disconnect, synergy, blue sky thinking and cross fertilisation” as examples. Add your own in the comments.
HR may seem an integral part of the business team but we all know they are the fluffy, touchy feely hippies that doesn’t really have any financial merit so remind them of this at any opportunity! HR is easy, anyone could do it! Oh, and because they’re so fluffy get them to have your difficult conversations, make your complaints and do the firing for you.
Training and Conferences
Book onto expensive training HR has taken time to organise and then don’t show up — heh you’re busy! If there’s a conference in central London or some exotic city show up late and then leave at lunch to do a bit of shopping and see some old friends and relatives. Only jerks don’t take the perks!